What not to say to your wife

I learned pretty quickly what not to say to my wife about our issues of having children.  Such as, hey honey we'll be alright without children.   That got the response of "I've wanted children all of my life and it's basically what I live for what would be the point of life without children."  I wanted children also but as a guy I tried to fix things.  At my job I'm a mechanic so I fix things all day long, why couldn't I fix my wife the same way.  All you need to do is analyze a problem and get to the source then fix it so it's no longer an issue and viola.  Sadly most men, myself included, don't understand women at all.  My wife's logic circuits run differently then mine.  I like everything to be fixed when I have a problem, she likes to have me just listen. 

Of course then there are the conversations when someone announces that they are pregnant and why do they "deserve to have a baby."  They could be people who can't keep their finances straight or people who do things that you shouldn't do.  Never say to them anything to the effect of being bitter(I never made that mistake) or to just be happy for them.  I myself know it's hard to be happy for someone else when they get something, whatever it may be, that I truly wanted.  I know how unfair it is when this happens.  Aren't we all supposed to be happy for everyone no matter what is happening to us.  The book of Job describes a man who was in trial.  His friends came to help him and it's never mentioned that he got bitter for anything that they still had but he didn't.  I would like to reach that level one day.  I'm not there myself just yet but I just tried to calm my wife down and make her happy(or fix her).

Sometimes being a preacher and talking to your wife doesn't work.  I quoted I think every single verse in the Bible that had to do with a woman miraculously having a child when they were past age(Sarah) or unexplained fertility(Rachel, Rebekah, and Hannah).  The only one that I could read to her was the story of the Shunnamite woman in 2 Kings 4 which speaks of a woman and her husband who never had a child.  They decided to build onto their house for the man of God, Elisha, so that when he come by their way he could rest in their house.  Elisha prayed to God and she received a child.  A good preacher friend and Evangelist preached a message about the Shunnamite woman at a revival meeting that we went to and it seriously helped my wife.  I learned that whenever I say something she perceives it to be that I'm just saying what she wants to hear while if somebody else tells her the same information it's somehow exciting.  My wife knelt down at that revival meeting and told God that she would just serve him all of her days with or without a child.  She told God if this were to be his will then so be it, she would just be happy to serve no matter what. 

That meeting took place in May of 2011 in North Georgia.  One of the doctors we visited explained that my wife had PCOS and insulin resistance.  She started her on Metformin for the insulin resistance.  On April 1st of 2011 we had been going to a fertility clinic for a little while.  We were getting ready to start a cycle of Clomid and some other fertility drugs.  They called us that day and said that my wife was pregnant but not to get our hopes up because the numbers were low.  She had what was termed a chemical pregnancy.  That was a hard blow to us both.  We started the fertility drugs as instructed and went back to the ferility doctor.  Only to have a negative result again.  I immediately thought of Rachel and her mandrakes that she got from Reuben, Leah's son.  Mandrakes were thought to be an aphrodisiac and a fertility aide in Bible days.  It didn't help her to conceive either.  My wife was getting more stressed about it.  I told her let's go to that Georgia tent meeting and see what God has to say to us.    There was only one thing that could help us and that was/is God.

A Little History

June 18, 1992 was the day that my dad passed away.  He had a rare form of cancer called Multiple Myeloma.  It attacks your bodies nature production of red blood cells and slowly starves all of your organs from oxygen.  He had to have weekly blood transfusions.  I was 12 when we found out he had this cancer, which at the time was incurable.   I was 15 years old when he passed away.  My mom has never remarried, she is turning 70 years old this year.  I have three older brothers and one of them is divorced, one of them is married but not until recently, and one of them has never been married.  None of them have children.  We so want a child so my mom can be a grandmother.  My wife's mom is a grandmother many times over.  Her great-grandmother has so many grandchildren and great grand children I think she loses count sometimes.  My mom has never had the joy of holding a grandchild in her arms and spoiling him/her.  All of this puts added pressure on us.  People in our church have had children, when would it be our turn.  Sometimes it seems to my wife and me as if God is judging us for past sins.  I mean if children are a heritage of the Lord and he truly gives them as a reward then why weren't we being rewarded.  Others were having children that didn't seem to truly care about the things of God.  Some famous people with less than stellar reputations were getting pregnant that had not a care in the world for the Lord.  Why not me who have surrended myself to the call to preach and my wife who is by my side wherever God calls us to preach.  From my perspective a lot of times I'm like Hannah's husband in 1 Samuel 1:8^,"Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons?" I also want a child so bad but can't let my wife know.  I don't want to put that pressure on her and make her more upset.  She needs to just relax and I need to be strong for her.  Inside though I really want a little one that I could hold and love. 

Testing of Faith

June 7, 2008 I married the most amazing woman in the world.  We had discussed before marriage that we wanted to have kids.  We agreed to wait two years before trying and pay off some debt.  May of  2009 we decided to go ahead and try for a child.  Thought that it would be simple, right.  I mean a lot of people have children each and every day.  It should be but the simplest thing to have a child.  I guess a little background would be in order.  My wife's family has never had an infertility issue.  They pretty much all got pregnant whenever they choose to do so.  My side of the family has about the same history of no fertility problems.  So you figure that with both of us together it wouldn't take but a month or so and bam we would be expecting a bundle of joy.  We joked about how we wouldn't be able to get any sleep for about 18 years after our child was born.  We had ideas about how to decorate his/her room depending on if it was a boy or girl.  We even threw around some names that could possibly be our childs name.  I thought of taking my son to the park and playing some ball.  Later I would teach him how to mow the lawn and change the oil in the car.  My wife envisioned our daughter learning how to cook and helping with chores around the house.  A couple of months went by and nothing.  Everybody we know was asking us if we were expecting yet.  I remember the look in my wife's eyes as she always politely explained that not this month but maybe next month.  I reminded her that it was in God's hands and there was little that we could do to effect it one way or another.  The Bible says in Psalm 127:3,^"Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."  I didn't know what else to tell me wife.  I couldn't answer the question why wouldn't God give us a child.  Nobody else I was close to was going through the same issue.  I never even thought of this problem before until we experienced it ourself.  How can anyone give advice, help, or support to someone that has never been through the same situation.  Others gave us words of encouragement but they had kids themselves.  It didn't seem fair or right.  I had to be the rock and be there for my wife, when I also didn't know why we weren't given a child.  Things looked bleak at this point.